Welcome to the latest edition of The Reset Room, where you will receive tips, strategies and insights about all things mental health with a focus on ways to do a reset on some of the things in your life that may be leading to distress.

🎉 50 Weeks of The RESET Room!

Well, here we are! Newsletter #50!

Fifty consecutive weeks of showing up in your inbox with my thoughts, observations, a little psychology, and hopefully something that helps you RESET an area of your life.

And whether you’ve been here since week one or just recently joined us, thank you for reading, reflecting, and occasionally hitting reply to share your thoughts with me.

Now…on to this week’s RESET!

🥚 When Keeping the Peace Means Losing Yourself

Last week, we talked about walking on eggshells.

That feeling of carefully choosing your words, monitoring someone’s mood, or changing your behavior to avoid a negative reaction.

But what happens when those adjustments stop being occasional and become the way you live?

What happens when you gradually give up pieces of yourself just to keep someone else happy?

Sometimes, there’s more going on than poor communication or a difficult personality.

I remember one client in particular that came to my office years ago (story is modified slightly for confidentiality).. who came to me with moderate to severe depression and trying to figure it out.

As I gathered his history he shared how he used to do so many things with the public and would take monthly visits to his hometown to see his parents and siblings and several other things he was no longer doing.

The more we began to explore I learned he had been in a multi-year relationship that he described to be enjoyable overall. However, as we began to look deeper he shared how when he would talk about his club he was in at home, his partner became disinterested, made negative remarks about it and then the mood would change so he just stopped talking about it.

As we talked he realized that slowly over time he stopped going to the club events. He noted that the story was similar regarding the decrease in visits with his family and siblings.

As we explored more it could be identified as an example of coercive control.

🧠 What Is Coercive Control?

When we think of abusive relationships, we often think of yelling, threats, or physical violence.

But not all abuse is loud. And not all control looks like control in the beginning.

Coercive control is a repeated pattern of behavior used to dominate another person, restrict their independence, and create an imbalance of power.

It can look like:

• Constantly questioning where someone has been or who they’ve been talking to.
• Making someone feel guilty for spending time with friends or family.
• Controlling finances or access to resources.
• Monitoring phones, messages, or social media.
• Using anger, intimidation, threats, or emotional punishment to get compliance.
• Making someone feel that having their own opinion will come at a cost.

And here’s what makes it tricky…

Sometimes the controlling behavior is disguised as love, concern, or protection.

“I’m just worried about you.”

“I wouldn’t act this way if I didn’t care so much.”

“You know how upset I get when you do that.”

Over time, the person on the receiving end may begin making decisions based less on what they want and more on how the other person will react.

They stop asking themselves, “What do I want?”

And start asking, “What will keep them from getting upset?”

That’s a pretty significant shift.

⚖️ Conflict or Control? There’s a Difference.

Now, I want to be careful here.

Just because someone is difficult, insecure, jealous, or occasionally controlling does NOT automatically mean they’re engaging in coercive control.

We all have moments when we want things our way. We get defensive. We react emotionally. We try to influence an outcome.

That’s part of being human.

But there’s a difference between unhealthy conflict and an ongoing pattern of control.

Healthy conflict allows two people to disagree and still maintain their independence.

Coercive control gradually takes that independence away.

A disagreement about spending money is not automatically financial abuse.

But restricting someone’s access to money so they cannot make independent decisions or leave a relationship is something very different.

Wanting to spend time with your partner is normal.

Making them afraid of the consequences of spending time with anyone else is not.

The question isn’t simply, “Does this person ever act controlling?”

It’s also, “Is there a pattern that leaves one person increasingly afraid, dependent, or unable to make their own choices?”

🪞 Now…Let’s Turn That Mirror Around.

This is where I want us to do a little self-reflection.

Because while coercive control is a serious form of abuse, many of us engage in smaller controlling behaviors without recognizing them.

And no, that doesn’t automatically make us abusive.

Sometimes our need for control comes from anxiety.

Sometimes insecurity.

Sometimes past experiences where things felt unpredictable or unsafe.

And sometimes…we just really believe our way is the right way! 😂

Think about it.

Have you ever given someone the silent treatment because they didn’t do what you wanted?

Used guilt to influence their decision?

Asked question after question because you didn’t like the answer you were getting?

Become upset when someone made a choice you wouldn’t have made?

Or tried to manage someone else’s emotions because their discomfort made YOU uncomfortable?

Here’s something worth considering:

Are you trying to communicate a need, or are you trying to control an outcome?

Those aren’t always the same thing.

And our intentions don’t erase the impact of our behavior.

We can love someone deeply and still need to examine the ways we respond when they don’t do what we want.

The important distinction is that occasional controlling behavior calls for accountability and change, while coercive control involves a broader pattern of domination and restriction. They should not be treated as interchangeable.

🔄 So What Does a Healthy RESET Look Like?

If you recognize controlling tendencies in yourself, start with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

Ask yourself:

1. What am I afraid will happen if I don’t get my way?

Sometimes the fear underneath the behavior tells us more than the behavior itself.

2. Am I making a request or creating a consequence?

There’s a difference between asking someone to consider your feelings and making them pay emotionally for saying no.

3. Can I tolerate someone making a decision I don’t agree with?

This one can be tough!

Other people are allowed to make choices we don’t like, even when those choices affect us.

4. Am I respecting their independence or trying to manage it?

A healthy relationship makes room for two separate people.

And if you’re recognizing a pattern of being controlled by someone else?

Your RESET may look very different.

It may begin with recognizing what’s happening, talking privately with someone you trust, or seeking professional support to explore your options safely.

If intimidation, threats, or fear are part of the relationship, confronting the other person or announcing new boundaries may increase risk. Safety comes first.

Remember: You are responsible for your own behavior. You are not responsible for managing someone else’s abusive behavior.

👇🏻Read the Coparent RESET or scroll down for final RESET.

👨‍👩‍👧 The Coparent RESET

Sometimes the Relationship Ends, But the Control Doesn’t.

One of the more complicated places coercive control can show up is in coparenting relationships.

A separation or divorce doesn’t always end an established pattern of control.

Sometimes it simply changes how that control is exercised.

It might involve excessive demands for information unrelated to the children, repeated intimidation through communication, using the children to gather information about the other parent’s personal life, or misusing parenting and legal processes to harass or maintain control.

More damaging ways it shows up is using it with the children...

Sometimes it’s subtle. It may look like:

• Rolling your eyes, sighing, or making a face when your child shares something positive about their other parent.
• Withdrawing affection or becoming noticeably cold when your child expresses excitement about spending time with the other parent.
• Asking questions about the other parent’s personal life that have nothing to do with the child’s well-being.
• Making the child feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent. “Well, I’m glad somebody had a good weekend.”
• Making negative comments about the other parent and expecting the child to agree or take sides.
• Rewarding the child with extra attention or approval when they criticize the other parent.
• Making the child feel responsible for the parent’s sadness, loneliness, or anger surrounding the divorce.

Now, an occasional eye roll or frustrated reaction doesn’t automatically mean coercive control is occurring.

But when these behaviors become a pattern, children can begin learning that expressing love for one parent comes at an emotional cost with the other.

And here’s something I really want parents to think about:

Does your child feel free to love, enjoy, and talk positively about their other parent in your presence?

Or have they learned to edit what they share based on how you might react?

Children should not have to manage a parent’s emotions to maintain their relationship with both parents.

Your child loving their other parent is not a rejection of you.

Of course, not every disagreement about parenting schedules, communication, or decision-making is coercive control.

Coparenting requires accountability, communication, and sometimes court-ordered boundaries.

The difference is whether the behavior serves the children’s needs or forms part of a pattern of controlling the other parent.

And here’s where I want both parents to do some reflecting.

Are you requesting information because it’s necessary for your child’s well-being?

Or because you want to know what the other parent is doing?

Are you enforcing a reasonable parenting boundary?

Or using access, communication, or cooperation as leverage?

Are you focused on what your child needs?

Or on getting the other parent to do things your way?

For those experiencing ongoing intimidation or coercive control, traditional advice about communicating more, compromising, or working together may not be appropriate or safe.

Sometimes the healthiest coparenting RESET involves clear, structured, child-focused communication and appropriate professional or legal support.

Your coparenting relationship doesn’t have to be friendly. But it should not be a means of controlling another adult’s life.

👇🏻 Read on for your Final RESET.

🌿 The Final RESET

Here’s my challenge for you this week.

Think about the relationships in your life.

Are there places where you’ve gradually stopped expressing yourself because it’s easier to keep the peace?

And on the flip side…

Are there people in your life who might feel they have to manage your reactions to avoid upsetting you?

That’s a harder question, isn’t it?

Peace that requires one person to continually lose their voice isn’t really peace. And love that requires control isn’t the same as love that allows freedom.

Now, if you’re recognizing some of these patterns in your relationships, or even in yourself, I want to encourage you not to jump to conclusions or make abrupt changes.

Coercive control is a complex subject. Not every controlling behavior is coercive control, and understanding the difference requires looking at the bigger picture.

Immediately confronting someone, accusing them of coercive control, or suddenly changing boundaries may not be the best approach and, in some situations, could increase risk.

The goal is to understand what’s happening, make thoughtful decisions, and, when possible and safe, build healthier, stronger relationships.

A mental health professional familiar with coercive control can help you sort through these patterns and determine how to move forward safely and effectively.

📚 Want to learn more? Consider reading Is It Coercive Control? See the Pattern, Understand What It Means. It may help you begin recognizing patterns and asking the right questions.

💬 Need some guidance? Hit reply to this email! I’d be happy to help you find an appropriate resource or get you set up for an appointment.

And if you know someone who might benefit from understanding this topic, forward this newsletter to them! Sometimes a little education can open the door to an important conversation.

Until next week,

Tina 💛

Sometimes the RESET isn’t about getting someone else to change. It’s about recognizing what is yours to change…and what was never yours to control.

A note about safety: If you recognize patterns of coercive control or feel unsafe in a relationship, confidential support is available through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org. You do not have to wait for physical violence to seek support.