Welcome to the 49th edition of The Reset Room, where you will receive tips, strategies and insights about all things mental health with a focus on ways to do a reset on some of the things in your life that may be leading to distress. Your weekly dose of perspective, practical strategies, and a little encouragement to RESET.The RESET Room

🥚 Walking on Eggshells… Just to Have a Conversation?

Last week, we talked about defensiveness. Why we do it, what we’re protecting, and how our need to defend ourselves can keep us from actually hearing what someone else is trying to tell us.

But this week, I want to flip that conversation around.

What if YOU aren’t the one getting defensive?

What if you’re the one who has learned to carefully choose your words, watch your tone, pick the perfect time, and maybe even rehearse an entire conversation in your head before bringing something up?

And somehow…they STILL get defensive! 🤦‍♀️

You know what I’m talking about?

You bring up something that hurt your feelings or bothered you, and before you know it, you’re explaining what you meant, reassuring them that they’re not a terrible person, or apologizing for bringing it up in the first place.

And wait a minute…

Weren’t YOU the one who had something you needed to share?

Somehow, the conversation has shifted from your concern to their reaction.

And your original concern? Well, it never really got addressed.

Sound familiar?

🤔 What's Really Happening Here?

As we discussed last week, defensiveness is often a protective response.

When someone hears criticism, even when criticism wasn’t intended, their brain may interpret it as a threat.

That threat might be to their self-esteem, their sense of being a good spouse or parent, or simply their need to feel like they’re doing things right.

Shame, insecurity, past experiences, and fear of rejection can all contribute to defensive reactions.

So instead of hearing, “This hurt my feelings,” they hear, “You’re a bad person.”

Instead of hearing, “Can we do this differently?” they hear, “You never do anything right.”

But here’s something important I want you to understand:

Understanding WHY someone gets defensive doesn’t mean you’re responsible for preventing their defensiveness.

And it certainly doesn’t mean your feelings no longer deserve to be heard.

🚶‍♀️ When Communication Turns Into Walking on Eggshells

There’s a difference between being thoughtful about how we communicate and feeling like we have to manage someone else’s emotional response.

Healthy communication definitely involves considering our timing, tone, and words.

But walking on eggshells looks a little different...with an anxiety component added.

You might find yourself:

• Rehearsing conversations over and over before having them.
• Avoiding certain topics because you already know how they’ll react.
• Softening your feelings so much that you never really say what you mean.
• Apologizing just to end the tension, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
• Using passive-aggressive tones to hint at it rather than stating it outright
• Deciding it’s easier to stay quiet than deal with the reaction.

And over time, something happens.

You stop asking yourself, “How can I communicate this well?” and start asking, “How can I say this without upsetting them?”

Those are two very different questions.

One focuses on healthy communication.

The other focuses on managing someone else’s emotions.

And that can become exhausting!

It can also create resentment, emotional distance, and a relationship where one person’s feelings consistently take priority over the other’s.

It can even reinforce the other person to use defensive even more... because it works!

💬 So… What Do You Actually DO?

First, I don’t want you to take this newsletter as permission to say whatever you want, however you want, and then blame the other person for getting defensive. 😂

We still have a responsibility to communicate respectfully.

But we don’t have to take responsibility for making sure the other person never experiences discomfort.

Here are a few strategies to try.

1️⃣ Don’t get pulled into defending your intentions.

You say, “I felt hurt when you didn’t include me in that decision.”

They respond, “Oh, so now I’m just a terrible spouse who can’t do anything right?”

Our natural instinct may be to immediately reassure them.

“No! That’s not what I meant! You’re not terrible! I know you do lots of good things!”

And just like that, we’re discussing whether they’re a good spouse instead of what originally hurt our feelings.

Try this instead:

“I’m not saying you’re a bad person. I’m telling you how that particular situation affected me.”

Then allow that statement to stand.

2️⃣ Gently bring the conversation back.

When the conversation starts shifting toward accusations, blame, or defending, try:

“I feel like we’re getting away from what I originally wanted to talk about.”

Or…

“I really want us to understand each other, not figure out who’s the bad guy here.”

You don’t have to follow every detour the conversation takes.

3️⃣ Recognize when it’s time to stop explaining.

Sometimes we think if we could just find the PERFECT words, the other person would finally understand.

So we explain again. And again. And AGAIN.

But sometimes the problem isn’t how we’re explaining something.

Sometimes the other person simply isn’t ready or willing to hear it.

You can say:

“I don’t think we’re getting anywhere productive right now. I’d like to come back to this when we’re both a little more calm.”

And then actually take the break.

4️⃣ Remember that discomfort isn’t always something you need to fix.

This may be the hardest one!

Someone can feel embarrassed, disappointed, frustrated, or uncomfortable with what you’ve shared.

That doesn’t automatically mean you communicated poorly.

Sometimes uncomfortable conversations are necessary for relationships to grow.

And sometimes we need to allow people to experience those uncomfortable feelings without rushing in to make everything better.

Of course, if conversations regularly involve intimidation, threats, or fear of retaliation, that’s more than ordinary defensiveness. In those situations, safety and appropriate support need to come before communication strategies.

👇🏻Read the Coparent RESET or scroll down for final RESET.

👨‍👩‍👧 The Coparent RESET

Oh, this one can be especially challenging in high-conflict coparenting!

When there’s a history of conflict, even a simple question or request can be interpreted as criticism or an attempt to control the other parent.

Imagine sending this message:

“Can we make sure the kids have their homework completed before exchanges?”

And getting back:

“You’re always trying to tell me how to parent! You think you’re better than me!”

Now you have a choice.

You can explain why you asked, list all the times homework hasn’t been completed, defend your parenting, and remind them of everything they’ve done wrong.

And congratulations…you now have an argument that has absolutely nothing to do with homework! 🤦‍♀️

OR…

You can respond:

“My intention is simply to help keep homework consistent between households. Let me know if we need to coordinate anything.”

That’s it.

No defending your parenting abilities. No responding to accusations. No getting pulled into an argument.

Not every accusation requires a defense. And not every defensive response requires a reply.

In high-conflict coparenting, your goal may not be to get the other parent to understand or agree with you.

Sometimes your goal is simply to communicate necessary information, maintain appropriate boundaries, and keep the focus on your children.

And remember, before sending that message, ask yourself whether the issue actually requires coordination or whether it’s something the other parent can manage during their own parenting time.

That’s a RESET worth your time to practice... I promise!

🔄 Your Final RESET

Here’s my challenge for you this week.

Pay attention to conversations where you find yourself doing more work managing someone’s reaction than actually communicating what you need to say.

Ask yourself:

Am I trying to communicate more clearly, or am I trying to make sure this person never gets upset with me?

Because those are two very different things.

And if you’ve gotten into the habit of keeping the peace by keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself, maybe it’s time to consider what that peace is actually costing you.

I’m not suggesting you pick a fight or bring up every little irritation. We all need to choose our battles.

But healthy relationships need room for TWO people to have feelings, needs, concerns, and perspectives.

You can be kind without being silent.

You can be understanding without taking responsibility for someone else’s reactions.

And you can care about someone’s feelings without abandoning your own.

Sometimes the RESET isn’t about finding a better way to say something. It’s about recognizing that you have a right to say it in the first place. 💙

If you want to read more on this topic, The Calm Communicator, is a book you might want to pick up.

Until next week,

--Tina

P.S. I’d love to hear from you. Are you someone who rehearses conversations in your head before having them? Or have you ever found yourself apologizing just to end an argument? Hit reply and tell me. I have a feeling more of us do this than we’d like to admit! 😉