🌿 Welcome to The Reset Room

If you’re new here — welcome.
Each week we do a small reset that quietly strengthens how we show up in our lives and relationships with a little add-in for coparents.

Last week we talked about blame and taking responsibility.

This week is the next layer:

What happens when we stop blaming… but then we keep expecting?

🌟 A Story From the Therapy Room

I have worked with clients who have extremely high standards for themselves. One in particular is coming to mind:

If she said she would do something — she always did it.
If she cared — she showed it.
If it mattered — she made time.

One of those extraordinary types.

However, she found herself constantly disappointed.

Not because people were cruel.
But because they didn’t operate by her internal rulebook.

She’d say:

• “I would never forget something like that.”
• “If it were important to me, I’d make it happen.”

The breakthrough wasn’t about lowering her standards.

It was about recognizing she was projecting her operating system onto everyone else.

And when they didn’t match it — it felt very personal.

🎯 The Fine Line

High expectations of yourself?
Healthy.

High expectations that others should treat you exactly how you would treat them?
Risky.

There’s a difference between:

“I believe you’re capable of more.”
AND
“You should think like I think.”

One inspires growth.
The other creates silent contracts.

And silent contracts almost always lead to resentment — because no one agreed to them.

🧠 Why This Hurts More Than It Should

Your brain learns to become a prediction machine.

When you consistently show up a certain way, your brain assumes others will too.

When they don’t, your nervous system can interpret it as:

• Rejection
• Disrespect
• Lack of care

That emotional spike can push you outside your window of tolerance — (from newsletter 15)—the zone where you think clearly and respond intentionally.

Inside your window → you stay steady.
Outside your window → you react, withdraw, or keep score.

Often the event is small.

The meaning we assign to it is what overwhelms us.

🌱 A Quick Note

Some personalities (especially natural over-functioners/peace-keepers/people pleasers) are more vulnerable to this pattern.

But truly — we all do it.

We assume our “normal” is universal.

It isn’t.

Just because I would do it, DOES NOT mean other people even think about doing it.

👇🏻(Read the coparenting RESET or skip to the bottom for the conclusion).

🤝 Coparenting Reset

This dynamic shows up powerfully in coparenting.

You might think:

• “If it were me, I’d send a reminder.”
• “I would never miss that for my kids.”
• “I would respond immediately.”
• "I would never get mad at the kids for that."

And when your coparent does or doesn’t?

It can feel intentional.

But here’s the reset:

Different executive functioning.
Different emotional bandwidth.
Different priorities.
Different personality.

Not always disrespect.

Holding high standards for yourself in coparenting is admirable.

Expecting your coparent to mirror your exact thought process is often where the distress begins.

The goal isn’t to excuse harmful behavior.

The goal is to separate:
​True boundary violations​
from
​Differences in style.

That distinction protects your nervous system — and your child from unnecessary tension.

🧘 Mini Reset Script

Start paying attention to times you feel disappointed or disrespected by others.

The next time you feel that flicker of disappointment:

Pause.
Slow inhale for 4…
Hold for 4…
Exhale for 6.

This breath pattern will signal to your nervous system you are safe and physiologically you will relax.

Then ask:

• What was I expecting just now?
• Did I communicate that expectation?
• Am I interpreting difference as disrespect?

Then say:

“Different does not mean harm.”

or

"They are not me..it's ok"

Notice your body soften.

🔎 This Week’s RESET Challenge

For 7 days, observe and for a bonus write it down.

Notice when you think:

• “I would never do that.”
• “After everything I’ve done…”
• “They should know.”

Ask yourself:

• Was that expectation spoken?
• Is this a boundary issue — or a difference issue?
• Am I staying inside my window of tolerance?

You do not have to lower your standards.

You just don’t have to require everyone to share your wiring.

Reply and let me know your thoughts and after doing this challenge let me know how it goes. I love hearing your experiences and learning things from you!

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See you next week in The Reset Room. 🌿

-Tina-