Welcome to the 47th edition of The Reset Room, where you will receive tips, strategies and insights about all things mental health with a focus on ways to do a reset on some of the things in your life that may be leading to distress.

Here is today's topic:

But Did You Let Them Know?

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been challenging us to pay more attention to the people around us.

First, notice people.

Then last week, I challenged you to actually DO something when someone crosses your mind.

Send the text.

Make the call.

Check on them.

And for the Ultra RESET Challenge—reach out to one different person every day for seven days.

But there’s another side to all of this that we probably need to talk about.

What happens when YOU are the person who needs someone to notice?

Because here’s something we’re really good at when asked how we are…

“I’m fine.”

😂

How Are You?

“Good!”

How’s work?

“Busy, but good.”

How’s everything going?

“We’re making it!”

Need anything?

“Nope! I’ve got it.”

And then sometimes we walk away thinking…

Nobody even notices how much I’m struggling.

Ummm…

But did we give them any clue that we needed them to?

We Can Be Really Good at Hiding

There are a lot of reasons we don’t tell people when we’re struggling.

Maybe we don’t want to be a burden.

Maybe we don’t want people worrying about us.

Maybe we’re private.

Maybe we don’t want advice.

Maybe we don’t want someone trying to “fix” it.

Maybe we’re afraid we’ll get emotional if we actually say it out loud.

Maybe we’re the person everybody else depends on, and we aren’t quite sure how to be the one who needs something.

Or maybe we have convinced ourselves:

“I should be able to handle this.”

So we keep functioning.

We go to work.

We answer texts.

We take care of everybody.

We smile.

We say we’re fine.

And somewhere underneath all of that, there’s this little thought:

“I wish somebody would notice.”

Here’s the Problem…

People aren’t mind readers.

Even people who love us.

Even people who know us really well.

Last week, I asked you to get outside of your own head and pay attention to other people.

But we also have to remember:

Everybody else is living inside their own head, too.

They have schedules.

Problems.

Kids...Jobs... Bills....Relationships.. Stress....

Things they’re worried about that we may know absolutely nothing about.

Sometimes people don’t notice that we’re struggling because they are preoccupied.

But sometimes…

we’ve just done a really convincing job of looking okay.

There’s Vulnerability in Being Known

Letting somebody know we’re struggling can feel incredibly vulnerable.

Because once I tell you…

I can’t control exactly what you’re going to do with that information.

Will you judge me?

Feel sorry for me?

Think I’m weak?

Try to fix it?

Tell somebody else?

See me differently?

That’s a lot of uncertainty.

So sometimes “I’m fine” feels safer.

But there’s a cost to always being fine.

Nobody gets the opportunity to really know us.

And connection requires being known.

Not by everybody.

Please don’t misunderstand me.

You don’t owe everyone access to the deepest parts of your life.

Healthy boundaries matter.

But hopefully, somewhere in your world, there are a few people who have earned the right to hear something besides:

“I’m fine.”

And Then There’s This One…

Sometimes we don’t just want someone to help.

We want them to know without us having to ask.

Ouch.

Because asking doesn’t feel the same, does it?

“If I have to tell them I need help, then it doesn’t count.”

“If they really cared, they would know.”

“I shouldn’t have to ask.”

I’ve heard versions of this in relationships more times than I can count.

And I’ve actually thought versions of it myself.

But expecting another person to correctly identify a need we haven’t communicated can set both people up to fail.

We end up hurt.

They don’t even know there was a test.

And somehow…

they failed it. 😂

Maybe part of healthier connection isn’t just getting better at noticing other people.

Maybe it’s also getting better at letting ourselves be noticed.

👇🏻Read the Coparent RESET or scroll down for final RESET.

👨‍👩‍👧 Co-Parenting RESET

This one applies to co-parenting more than we might realize.

How often do we expect the other parent to know something we haven’t clearly communicated?

“They should know she has practice.”

“He should know that upset her.”

“She should know I need the schedule by now.”

“I shouldn’t have to tell him. He can look at the school portal just like I did.”

Maybe?????

But “they should know” isn’t a communication strategy.

This week, before getting frustrated with your co-parent for not knowing something, ask yourself:

Did I clearly communicate it?

Not hint at it.

Not assume it.

Not tell the kids and expect them to relay it.

Actually communicate it.

Clear information gives the other parent an opportunity to respond appropriately.

And if they don’t?

Then at least you’re dealing with what actually happened—not what you hoped they would somehow know.

And usually... if your coparent forgets or does not know about something... who does it ultimately hurt.... THE KIDS

Was your motive to not tell them so that the kids could see who they really are....

or show how you are the "better parent".

If that's your motive to not telling them... it ONLY hurts the kids and you are making it about you.

💬 This Week’s RESET

Last week, your challenge was to reach out to someone else.

This week, we’re turning it around.

Let one safe person know something real about how you’re doing.

It doesn’t have to be dramatic.

You don’t have to spill your entire life story.

Maybe instead of:

“I’m fine.”

you say:

“Honestly, this week has been a little harder than usual.”

Or:

“I’m okay, but I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

Or:

“I don’t really need you to fix anything. I just need somebody to listen for a minute.”

Or even:

“Actually…I could use some help.”

And then notice what happens.

Not just in their response.

Notice what happens inside you when you allow yourself to be known.

Over the last few weeks, we’ve talked a lot about connection.

Notice people.

Reach out to people.

And now…

Let somebody notice you.

Because connection isn’t just about being there for other people.

Sometimes it’s having enough courage to let someone else be there for us.

Hit reply and let me know who you will let yourself be vulnerable with this week and ask for help or for their listening ear?

💜

Until next week!

💜 — Tina