Welcome to the 48th edition of The Reset Room, where you will receive tips, strategies and insights about all things mental health with a focus on ways to do a reset on some of the things in your life.

Today's newsletter happens to be coming out on a pretty special day in our family...

I want to wish my son, Tristan Patterson, a very happy 30th birthday today!! ❤️🎉

Tristan is an electrical engineer, but I have to say, there have been plenty of times over the years when we thought he might have missed his calling as an attorney. 😂

That boy has always had quite the knack for making his case—and he can argue the most minute detail with the best of them.

So needless to say, I've had a little practice over the past 30 years with conversations that can quickly turn into presenting evidence, defending a position and debating details most people wouldn't even realize were up for debate. 😂

And since I'm his mother, I'm sure he would tell you that he has had plenty of practice with me, too. 😳

Which brings me perfectly to today's topic...

What Are You Defending?

How many times have you been having a discussion with someone and the other person says…

“You hurt my feelings when you did that.”

And before they even finish the sentence, your eyes are rolling and your brain is already preparing its response.

Wait!! That’s not what happened.

That’s not what I meant.

You’re taking it completely wrong.

But what about when YOU…

And suddenly you have dates, examples, witnesses and possibly screenshots. 😂

All of a sudden you are ready to present your case just as if you were having your day in court as the defense.

"Now wait just a minute... I DID NOT..... " and off you go...

Why do we do that?

Why is our first instinct sometimes to prove that we didn’t hurt someone instead of getting curious about why they experienced it as hurtful?

I think part of the answer is that when someone tells us we hurt them, we don’t always hear:

“Something you did hurt me.”

Instead we hear:

“You are a bad person.”

And those are two very different statements.

So we start defending our character when the other person may simply be trying to tell us about their experience.

And here’s where this gets interesting…

What if you didn’t intend to hurt them AND they were still hurt?

Two things can be true.

Maybe you really didn’t mean it that way.

Maybe part of their interpretation isn’t even accurate.

And maybe…when you look at it from their side, you can completely understand how they got there.

That’s where this week’s RESET begins.

What’s Underneath the Defensiveness?

Defensiveness is usually protecting something.

Maybe it’s our pride.

Maybe it’s shame or insecurity.

Maybe we’re afraid of being misunderstood, criticized or rejected.

Sometimes the criticism bumps right up against something we believe about ourselves.

I’m a good spouse.

I’m a good parent.

I’m a good friend.

I’m a good person.

So when someone tells us we hurt them, it can feel like they’re challenging something much bigger than the specific thing that happened.

And that’s when our inner defense attorney gets to work.

We explain.

We justify.

We correct.

We counterattack.

We start gathering evidence for why their interpretation is wrong.

Relationship researcher John Gottman identifies defensiveness as one of the communication patterns that can be particularly damaging in relationships. Defensiveness is understandable—we’re trying to protect ourselves from what feels like an attack.

The problem is that our defense often sounds like blame to the other person.

And now instead of resolving the original problem, we’ve created another one.

Gottman’s antidote to defensiveness is NOT taking responsibility for everything the other person says.

It’s taking responsibility for your part.

That’s an important distinction.

Two Things Can Be True

Let’s go back to a simple example.

Imagine a husband and wife are out to dinner with friends.

The wife is telling a story and gets one of the details wrong.

Her husband jumps in:

“No, that’s not what happened. Remember? We were already at the restaurant when she called…”

To him, he’s simply correcting the story.

Later his wife says:

“When you corrected me in front of everyone tonight, I was embarrassed. It felt like you were trying to make me look stupid.”

And here comes the fork in the road.

The defensive road:

“Are you serious? I wasn’t trying to make you look stupid! You were telling the story wrong. All I did was tell them what actually happened. Why do you always assume the worst about me?”

Now she has to defend why she was hurt.

He has to defend why he wasn’t wrong.

Pretty soon they’re arguing about whether she’s too sensitive, whether he always corrects her and probably something somebody did in 2017.

😂

The original hurt has disappeared.

Now let’s try it without the defense attorney:

“I definitely wasn’t trying to embarrass you. I thought I was just adding to the story. But now that you say that, I can see how correcting you in front of everyone could have felt embarrassing. I’m sorry.”

Look at what happened there.

He didn’t say:

“You’re right. I was trying to embarrass you.”

Because that wouldn’t be true.

He simply made room for two things to be true at the same time.

I didn’t intend to hurt you.

AND

You experienced what I did as hurtful.

His intention didn’t suddenly become bad because she was hurt.

Her hurt didn’t suddenly become invalid because his intention was good.

And now they actually have somewhere to go with the conversation.

Understanding Isn’t the Same as Agreeing

This part is important.

If someone tells you that something you did hurt them, you don’t automatically have to accept every conclusion they’ve made about you.

“You did that because you don’t care about me.”

Maybe you absolutely do care.

“You were trying to embarrass me.”

Maybe you weren’t.

“You purposely left me out.”

Maybe you didn’t.

Sometimes another person’s interpretation of our behavior really isn’t accurate.

They have their own history.

Their own insecurities.

Their own expectations.

Their own lens through which they’re interpreting what happened.

But here’s the RESET:

You can disagree with their interpretation of your motives and still be curious about their experience.

Try:

“That wasn’t my intention, but I can see how it felt that way.”

That’s not a confession.

It’s not saying:

“You’re right about everything.”

It’s saying:

“I care enough about you to try to understand what this was like from your side.”

Sometimes we’re so determined to prove our innocence that we completely miss the opportunity to understand someone we care about.

I don’t have to prove my innocence before I try to understand your hurt.

And understanding your hurt doesn’t require me to confess to an intention I didn’t have.

👇🏻 Read the Coparent RESET or scroll down for final RESET.

The Coparent RESET

If there’s one relationship where people can put their defense attorney on speed dial, it might be coparenting. 😂

Especially when there’s already a history of conflict.

After enough criticism, accusations or misunderstandings, you can start assuming every comment is an attack.

Your coparent texts:

“Why didn’t you tell me she had a math test today? I would have studied with her last night.”

But what you hear is:

“You’re an irresponsible parent who doesn’t communicate.”

So you don’t respond to what they actually said.

You respond to the accusation you think is underneath it.

“You have access to the school app just like I do! I’m not responsible for keeping up with everything for you.”

And we’re off…

But what if instead you responded:

“I didn’t realize you didn’t know. I’ll try to mention things like that when I see them.”

Done.

You didn’t admit that you’re an irresponsible parent.

You didn’t establish whose responsibility it is to check the school app.

You didn’t pull out six months of screenshots proving all the things they forgot to tell you.

You just solved the problem.

Now, maybe there actually was a little jab underneath their message.

Maybe they really were criticizing you.

Here’s another RESET:

You don’t have to pick up every invitation to fight.

Before responding to your coparent this week, ask yourself:

Am I responding to what they actually said—or to the attack I think is underneath it?

Those are not always the same thing.

Your Final RESET

This week, I want you to notice something.

Pay attention to the moment you feel that little surge of defensiveness.

The urge to explain.

Correct.

Justify.

Counterattack.

Or start digging through your mental files looking for Exhibit A. 😂

Before you do, pause and ask yourself three questions:

1. What am I defending right now?

Am I defending what actually happened—or am I defending what I think this says about me?

2. What might be true in what they’re telling me?

Even if I disagree with part of their interpretation, is there something here I need to hear?

3. Can I understand their experience without agreeing with everything they’re saying?

Sometimes the answer will be yes.

And maybe instead of presenting your case, you can try:

“That wasn’t my intention, but I can see how it felt that way.”

Then see what happens next.

Because maybe the goal of every difficult conversation doesn’t have to be proving whose version of events is correct.

Maybe sometimes the goal is simply understanding each other a little better.

Want to Go a Little Deeper?

If you recognize yourself in this one and want to dig deeper, a great resource is You Are About To Discover How To Take Criticism Positively, Stop Being Toxic, Stop Being Passive Aggressive, And Stop Being Selfish To Keep Your Relationships Healthy And Alive Without Attending Any Counseling Session!, by Antony Felix.

One of the things I like about this book is that it explores exactly what we’ve been talking about: the stories we tell ourselves during conflict, the assumptions we make about other people’s intentions and how quickly difficult conversations can become tied to our identity.

In other words…

Why does “That hurt me” sometimes feel so much like “There’s something wrong with you”?

Definitely worth a read if this week’s topic hits home.

Before You Go…

I have a challenge for you.

Hit REPLY and answer these two questions for me:

1. What turns you into a defense attorney the fastest? 😂

Someone questioning your parenting?

Feeling misunderstood?

Criticism from your spouse?

Someone questioning your intentions?

Feedback at work?

Something your coparent says?

2. What is your favorite defense move?

Overexplaining?

Justifying?

Counterattacking with what they did wrong too?

Bringing up something they did six months ago?

Hit reply and tell me yours.

I’m really curious about this one.

And since this newsletter started with Tristan, I suppose it’s only fitting that I end it with him too.

After 30 years of conversations with someone who can make a case for just about anything 😂, maybe the bigger lesson isn’t learning how to argue my side better.

Maybe it’s learning when I don’t need to argue my side at all.

Sometimes we don’t need to present Exhibit A.

Sometimes we just need to get curious enough to understand how the other person got there.

Two things can be true.

And with that…Happy 30th Birthday, Tristan! ❤️🎉

Until next week,

–Tina

Sometimes the RESET isn’t changing what happened. It’s being willing to look at it from another side.