Welcome to the 48th edition of The Reset Room, where you will receive tips, strategies and insights about all things mental health with a focus on ways to do a reset on some of the things in your life that may be leading to distress.

💬 CARE WITHOUT CARRYING

We have talked a lot this month about noticing other people.

Pay attention when someone seems different.

Check in.

Ask the question.

Make it okay for someone to say, “I’m not okay.”

And I absolutely believe all of that.

As we wrap up Suicide Prevention Month, I think there is another side of caring for people that is important to talk about:

You can care deeply about someone without taking responsibility for their emotions.

That was actually one of the first—and hardest—things I had to learn as a counselor.

🛋️ THIS TOOK ME A WHILE…

Imagine being a brand-new counselor.

A client comes back after trying some of the skills you worked on together.

They had the conversation.

They set the boundary.

They tried communicating differently.

And…

It didn’t work. 😬

The other person still got mad.

The conversation still went badly.

Nothing changed.

And now the client is sitting across from you upset and frustrated.

As a new counselor, it was really hard for me not to take that on.

Did I do something wrong?

What else can I do?

How do I fix this?

Now do that session after session…25–30 times a week.

That becomes A LOT of emotional weight to carry that was never really mine in the first place.

It took some of my own work—and some really good mentoring—to understand the difference between helping someone and taking responsibility for their outcome.

Because my job as a counselor isn’t to tell people what they should do.

My job is to help people develop skills.

To slow things down.

To look at options.

To consider consequences.

To get out of emotion-only thinking and look at the bigger picture.

And ultimately, to help them become better equipped to make their own decisions.

Because I don’t want someone to need me sitting beside them every time life gets hard.

I want them to eventually hear my questions in their own head. 😂

Guess what? Your helping of others can look the very same!

🧠 MAYBE THAT’S THE DIFFERENCE

Empathy says:

“I see that this is hard. Let’s think through it.”

Taking responsibility says:

“You’re upset. I need to make this better.”

Those aren’t the same.

And sometimes our urge to fix someone else’s emotions isn’t completely about them.

Sometimes it is about US... we’re uncomfortable because they’re uncomfortable.

So we rush in.

We give advice.

We tell them what they should do.

We try to solve the problem.

We reassure them over and over.

Anything to get them to feel better and "fix it".

But when we continually do that, we may unintentionally send the message:

I don’t think you can handle this without me.

👩‍👧 WE DO THIS WITH OUR KIDS TOO

Your teenager comes home devastated because several friends got together and she wasn’t invited.

She’s crying.

She’s angry.

She’s never speaking to them again.

And here comes that parent instinct…

Maybe I should call the other mom.

Maybe it was a misunderstanding.

You need to text her.

Here’s what you should say…

Or maybe we go straight to:

Don’t cry over them. They’re not worth it.

We just want to make it better.

But what if instead we said:

“That really hurt. I can understand why you’re upset.”

And after we give them some space to feel it:

“What do you think you want to do?”

Maybe we help them think through their options.

What happens if you confront the friend?

What happens if you wait until tomorrow?

Is there another explanation?

What part of this can you control?

Then we let them decide.

That’s not being uncaring.

That’s parenting.

Because our job isn’t to make sure our children never experience uncomfortable emotions.

Our job is to help them develop the skills to manage those emotions when we’re not standing beside them.

And really…isn’t that what we want in most of our relationships?

Think about the friend you would rather call when something has gone terribly wrong.

Is it the one who immediately tells you exactly what you should have done and what you need to do next?

Or is it the one who listens, helps you sort through the mess, maybe points out something you aren’t seeing…

and somehow leaves you feeling like:

“Whatever you decide, I trust you to figure this out.”

There is something really powerful about that.

❤️ CARE WITHOUT CARRYING

So maybe the goal isn’t to care less.

Maybe it’s learning to care without carrying.

Before you jump in to fix someone’s emotion, try asking yourself:

• Whose emotion is this?

• Did I do something that I need to take responsibility for or repair?

• Is this person asking me for help—or do they mostly need me to listen?

• Am I trying to solve this because THEY need me to…or because I’m uncomfortable watching them struggle?

• Could I help them think through their options instead of telling them what to do?

• Is there an actual safety concern that requires me to step in?

That last one matters.

Caring without carrying doesn’t mean ignoring someone who may be unsafe or needs intervention.

There are absolutely times when we need to step in, get help or take something seriously.

But not every uncomfortable emotion is an emergency.

Sometimes people are disappointed.

Sometimes they’re angry.

Sometimes they’re hurt.

Sometimes they make choices we wouldn’t make.

And sometimes our job is to love them while allowing them to work through it.

👇🏻 Read the Co-Parent RESET or scroll down for the Final RESET.

🔄 THE CO-PARENTING RESET

This can get REALLY hard in co-parenting.

Your child comes home upset about something that happened at the other parent’s house.

They’re disappointed about the schedule.

They’re angry with Mom.

They’re frustrated with Dad.

And suddenly you’re feeling it too.

Before you know it, you’re texting the other parent, defending the child, trying to get answers or attempting to fix something your child may have been perfectly capable of working through.

Or WORSE.. you start speaking negatively of the other parent for having them feel the way they are feeling and it then becomes a psychological undermining of your coparent.

Try slowing it down.

“I can understand why that upset you.”

Then ask:

“What do you think you could do?”

Maybe they need help identifying options.

Maybe they need to have a conversation with the other parent.

Maybe they need to ask a question.

Maybe they just need to be disappointed for a while.

Your child’s uncomfortable emotion doesn’t automatically mean the other parent did something wrong—or that you need to intervene.

Sometimes one of the best things we can communicate to our children is:

I hear you. I care. And I believe you can handle this.

Of course, if there’s a genuine safety concern or something requiring adult intervention, that’s different.

But otherwise?

Give them a chance to build the muscle.

Because someday you won’t be sitting beside them helping them decide what to do next.

🌱 THE FINAL RESET

As Suicide Prevention Month comes to an end, I want to leave you with both sides of this message.

Notice people.

Check in.

Ask questions.

Listen.

Take changes seriously.

Get help when someone may be in danger.

But don’t turn caring into the belief that you are somehow capable of controlling another person’s emotions, decisions or actions.

That distinction can be especially hard for someone grieving a suicide because the “What if I had…” questions can feel endless.

We can care deeply. We can intervene when we see danger. We can connect people to help.

But we cannot have complete control over another human being.

And maybe that’s true in far more areas of our lives than we realize.

So here’s your RESET challenge this week:

Notice when someone else’s emotion starts becoming yours.

Before you fix it, solve it, defend them, give advice or take it home with you…

stop.

Ask:

Whose emotion is this?

Then decide what actually belongs to you.

Listen if they need listening.

Help them look at options if they need help.

Step in when safety requires it.

Own what is yours to own.

And then give the other person the dignity of believing they can handle what belongs to them.

Care deeply.

Help where you can.

But you don’t have to carry everything you care about. ❤️

Hit Reply and let me know if this landed with you today. This is something I am continually working on myself and would love to hear your feedback.

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