👋 Welcome back to The Reset Room, where you will receive tips, strategies and insights about all things mental health with a focus on ways to do a reset on some of the things in your life that may be leading to distress.

Last week we talked about ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) with a focus on Black-and-White Thinking—the tendency to see things as all good or all bad, success or failure, right or wrong.

This week, let's look at another common ANT or thinking trap that often travels alongside it...

🫢 Personalization.

In simple terms, personalization is when we assume something is our fault, about us, or caused by us—even when we have little evidence that's actually true.

And if you're someone who tends to overthink, people-please, or worry about disappointing others, this one may hit close to home.

💭 A Story From the Therapy Room

A client came into session very upset about something that had happened at a social event.

There was a person there she had known for years. Not a best friend, but someone she talked with regularly. They often had meaningful conversations and always seemed happy to see each other.

When they arrived, they said a quick hello.

But then something felt different.

The person spent most of the event talking with others and never came back to continue the conversation.

My client couldn't stop thinking about it.

"What did I do?"

"Did I say something wrong?"

"Maybe they're upset with me."

"Maybe I offended them."

For days she replayed the interaction in her head, even to the point she was considering extremes like never speaking with this friend again or at least "going to stop trying", which was for sure going to lead to further decline of their friendship.

Eventually I asked her:

"What evidence do you have that any of those things are true?"

She paused.

And then she laughed.

Because the answer was...

None.

There were countless other possibilities.

Maybe they were distracted.
Maybe they were having a rough week.
Maybe someone else needed their attention.
Maybe they planned to circle back, but got distracted and never got the chance.

The event wasn't causing the distress.

The story she was telling herself about the event was.

🎯 What Is Personalization?

Personalization happens when we automatically make ourselves the center of an explanation.

Someone seems quiet...

➡️ "They must be upset with me."

Someone doesn't text back...

➡️ "I probably said something wrong."

A child is having a rough day...

➡️ "I must be failing as a parent."

A co-parent asks why their child has a bruise on his leg...

➡️ "They're blaming me for the bruise."

Sometimes we are part of the situation.

But personalization convinces us we are the cause of the situation.

And those aren't the same thing.

⚠️ Why We Do It

Many people who struggle with personalization are caring, conscientious people.

They want others to be okay.

They want relationships to go well.

They pay attention to the emotional climate around them.

Those are strengths.

The problem comes when responsibility turns into ownership of things that were never yours to carry.

Many people spend years walking around asking:

"What did I do?"

When a better question might be:

"What else could explain this?"

🌱 The Reset

The next time you find yourself assuming something is your fault, pause and ask:

✔️ What evidence do I actually have?

✔️ Am I filling in missing information?

✔️ What are three other possible explanations?

✔️ Am I taking responsibility for something that belongs to someone else?

Remember...

Not every mood is about you.

Not every conflict is because of you.

Not every disappointment was caused by you.

And not every change in someone else's behavior requires you to search for something you did wrong.

👇🏻Read the Coparent RESET or scroll down for final thoughts.

👨‍👩‍👧 Co-Parenting Reset

Personalization can create a lot of unnecessary conflict in co-parenting relationships.

A short response.... maybe they are distracted
A delayed response...... maybe they are driving.
A question about the child's status...... maybe they are concerned
Asking if the child has eaten... maybe they are planning dinner

Before assuming negative intent or accusations, ask yourself:

"Is this actually about me, or am I making it about me?"

When we personalize, we often react to assumptions instead of facts.

And assumptions are responsible for a lot of unnecessary conflict.

💡 Quick Reset Challenge

This week, notice how many times your brain asks:

"What did I do?"

When that thought shows up, try replacing it with:

"What else could explain this?"

You may be surprised how often your first explanation isn't the most accurate one.

📣 I Need Your Help

I've been exploring the idea of offering some live online RESET Bootcamps later in the year and would love your feedback.

If you would be interested, simply hit reply and tell me which topic sounds most helpful:

✅ Stop People Pleasing & Learn to Set Boundaries

✅ Quieting Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs)

✅ Communicating More Effectively in Difficult Relationships

✅ Co-Parenting Communication & Conflict Reduction

✅ Managing Emotional Reactivity & Staying Regulated Under Stress

✅ Something Else (tell me your idea!)

Your feedback will help me decide what to build first.

As always, thank you for spending a few minutes with me each week. I love how this newsletter is growing and appreciate your feedback more than you know. Honestly, it is those things that keep me motivated to write the next one.

Until next time...

❤️ Tina
The Reset Room