Welcome to the 43rd edition of The Reset Room, where you will receive tips, strategies and insights about all things mental health with a focus on ways to do a reset on some of the things in your life.

🤔 Do You Seek Validation From Others?

I have a confession.

I can be stubborn. 😂

I remember times in my life when I could tell someone was fishing for a compliment.

You know what I mean.

“I don’t know…I guess it turned out okay…”

Or…

“Nobody probably even noticed everything I did…”

And because I knew exactly what they were doing, there were times I would stubbornly refuse to give them the compliment they were fishing for.

Was that necessarily my finest moment?

Probably not. 😂

But I remember thinking, You’re trying to get me to say something, and I’m not playing along.

Looking back, there’s actually something psychologically interesting happening there.

Because wanting validation isn’t bad.

We all like to be appreciated. We like hearing someone is proud of us. We like knowing our hard work was noticed.

The question is what happens when we expect it but don’t get it.

🧠 Why Do We Need Other People to Tell Us We’re Okay?

Sometimes our self-worth becomes externally anchored.

Maybe somewhere along the way you learned that praise, attention, or approval came when you performed well, helped everyone, behaved the right way, accomplished something, or kept other people happy.

Without realizing it, you can start connecting:

Their approval = I’m doing okay.

And that can show up in a lot of different ways.

People-pleasing can be an attempt to avoid rejection.

Constantly asking “Are you mad at me?” can be a search for reassurance that the relationship is okay.

Asking five different people what you should do can mean you’re having trouble trusting your own judgment.

And sometimes accomplishing something doesn’t quite feel good enough until someone else notices.

None of that means there’s something wrong with you.

It means it’s worth asking:

Have I gotten so used to looking outside myself for reassurance that I’ve stopped trusting what’s inside?

What Are You Hoping They’ll Give You?

Think about something you’re doing right now.

Maybe you’re going above and beyond at work.

Maybe you’re always the one helping everyone else.

Maybe you’re making a big change in your life.

Maybe you’re posting your progress online.

Maybe you’re doing WAY more than your share and secretly hoping somebody will finally recognize it.

Ask yourself:

Would I still feel good about this choice if nobody noticed?

And maybe an even better question:

If they don’t respond the way I’m hoping they will, will I still feel good about what I did?

Because that’s where we start separating doing something because it matters to me versus doing something because of what I hope it will make someone else think about me.

😬 And Here’s the Uncomfortable Part…

Sometimes validation-seeking can even become manipulative.

Not necessarily intentionally.

We aren’t usually sitting around thinking, How can I manipulate someone into complimenting me today? 😂

But instead of directly asking for what we need, we sometimes try to create a response.

“I probably look terrible.”

Hoping they’ll say, “No! You look great!”

“Nobody even notices everything I do around here.”

Hoping someone will immediately reassure us how appreciated we are.

Or maybe we give and give and give—and then become resentful when nobody responds with the appreciation we expected.

We’re trying to get someone else to give us something emotionally without directly asking for it.

And sometimes other people can feel that.

Maybe that’s what stubborn little me was reacting to above. 😂

🔄 This Is Where Last Week’s Conversation Gets Harder

Last week we talked about taking up space instead of making ourselves small.

But taking up space also means learning to trust yourself enough that you don’t need someone else to continually confirm that you’re allowed to.

I can be proud of myself even if nobody claps.

I can make a decision without polling everyone first.

I can say no without needing someone to agree that my reason is good enough.

I can do something kind because I want to—not because I need you to think I’m a good person.

I can enjoy your compliment without needing it to determine how I feel about myself.

Internal validation isn’t “I don’t care what anybody thinks.”

It’s:

“I care what you think. I just don’t need your opinion to become my opinion of myself.”

👇🏻Read the Coparent RESET or scroll down for final RESET.

👥 And Yes…This Shows Up in Co-Parenting

You may desperately want your coparent to finally acknowledge:

You’re a good parent.

You were right.

You’ve changed.

You’re doing what’s best for the kids.

But what happens when you’re looking for validation from the person who may be least likely to give it to you?

You can spend an incredible amount of energy defending, explaining, proving, and trying to get someone to see your intentions differently.

Sometimes the RESET is recognizing:

I don’t need my coparent’s approval to know I’m making a healthy parenting decision.

Your job isn’t to convince them you’re a good parent.

Your job is to be one.

🧠 Your RESET Challenge This Week

Catch yourself looking for validation this week.

Before you ask, post, explain, over-give, volunteer, defend, or fish a little, ask yourself:

What am I hoping this person gives me right now?

Reassurance?

Approval?

A compliment?

Permission?

Confirmation that I’m okay?

And then ask:

Can I give myself some of that first?

You don’t have to stop enjoying the applause. 👏

You don’t have to stop caring what people think.

But maybe this week you can practice doing a few things because they matter to you—not because of the reaction you hope they’ll create in someone else.

Whose permission are you waiting for?

Maybe it’s time to realize you are wise enough to have your own. 🤗

--A closing thought for myself.. "Maybe I should have been complimenting the people that were fishing validation from me... then they wouldn't have to ask?" Now that is a totally different newsletter...... '

Please reply and share your thoughts on this one...I'd love to hear your perspectives.

Until next time!

--Tina 😊