Welcome to edition #44 of The Reset Room, where you will receive tips, strategies and insights about all things mental health with a focus on ways to do a reset on some of the things in your life.

💬 Why Is It So Hard to Give a Compliment?

I ended last week’s newsletter with a little closing thought to myself…

“Maybe I should have been complimenting the people who were fishing for validation from me…then they wouldn’t have had to ask?”

And then I said…

That is a totally different newsletter. 😂

Well, here we are.

If you are new here and are confused.... last week we talked about seeking validation from other people and what happens when we start needing someone else’s approval to feel good about ourselves, our choices or our accomplishments.

But there is another side to this.

What about when the validation is deserved…and we are the ones withholding it?

I can think something nice about someone all day long.

She did a really good job with that.

He handled that situation really well.

She looks great today.

That was really thoughtful.

But thinking it and actually saying it out loud are two very different things.

And that got me wondering…

Why IS it sometimes so hard to just give the compliment?

🤔 Why Do We Hold Back?

Sometimes we overthink it.

What if they think I’m being fake?

What if they think I want something?

What if they take it the wrong way?

What if it sounds awkward?

Sometimes giving a genuine compliment actually requires a little vulnerability. You are letting someone know that you noticed them…and that can feel strangely uncomfortable.

For some people, compliments simply weren’t modeled much growing up. If you didn’t hear people openly acknowledge each other, it may not come naturally to you now.

And then there are a couple of reasons we may not particularly like admitting.

Pride. Envy. Competition.

Sometimes we recognize something good in another person, but there is a tiny part of us that feels like acknowledging it somehow takes something away from us.

But it doesn’t.

Someone else being talented doesn’t make you less talented.

Someone else being successful doesn’t diminish your success.

Someone else being a good parent doesn’t mean you aren’t one.

Someone else looking beautiful today doesn’t make you less beautiful.

Acknowledging someone else’s light does not dim yours.

🧠 And Your Brain Actually Likes Compliments

Here is where my counselor brain had to get involved. 😂

Compliments aren’t just nice words.

Our brains actually process genuine praise as a type of social reward.

When we receive sincere positive feedback, areas of the brain involved in reward processing become active. That helps explain why being genuinely seen, appreciated or acknowledged can feel so good.

But here is the part I found even more interesting…

Giving the compliment can be rewarding to our brain too.

Research looking at couples exchanging compliments found activity in areas associated with empathy, social connection and reward—and some of the strongest reward-related activity happened while people were actually choosing the compliment to give their partner.

In other words, saying something kind isn’t only good for the person hearing it.

There may be something good happening in you too.

And maybe that makes sense.

Because when we intentionally look for something to compliment, we have to temporarily shift our attention toward what is good.

And our brains are pretty darn good at noticing what is wrong without any extra practice. 😂

The annoying thing, the mistake, the thing someone forgot, what they should have done differently.

We can spot those pretty quickly.

Maybe we could stand to train our brains to notice some of the other stuff too.

💬 But Make It REAL

This isn’t about walking around throwing out compliments you don’t mean.

People can usually feel the difference between genuine appreciation and flattery.

In fact, research suggests that sincere praise is more rewarding to the brain than flattery.

So don’t manufacture it.

Notice it.

And when you notice it…say it.

Even better, make it specific.

Instead of:

“You’re a great person.”

Try:

“I really appreciate the way you always make sure everyone feels included.”

Instead of:

“You’re such a good mom.”

Try:

“I noticed how patient you were with her when she was upset. You handled that really well.”

Instead of:

“Good job.”

Try:

“You’ve worked really hard on that, and it shows.”

And don’t limit compliments to how someone looks.

Notice their effort... their character... their growth...their kindness..their humor...their courage.

The way they show up for people.

The thing they do that probably goes unnoticed most of the time.

And if giving the compliment feels awkward?

You can even own that.

“I don’t say things like this very often, but I wanted you to know…”

Then say it.

Don’t rush through it.

Don’t attach a request to the end of it. 😂

And don’t give it because you need them to react a certain way.

Give it because it’s true.

👇🏻 Read the Coparent RESET or scroll down for the final RESET.

👥 The Coparent RESET

Now let’s make this one a little harder.

Can you compliment your coparent?

Because THIS is where withholding a compliment can get interesting.

Maybe your coparent actually did something really well…

…but you don’t want them thinking everything is suddenly okay between you.

Maybe there is too much history there.

Too much pride.

Maybe you notice something good and immediately think:

“Well, let’s see if it lasts.”

Or…

“They SHOULD be doing that anyway.”

Or maybe acknowledging something they did well feels a little too much like giving them a win.

But what if we stopped looking at it as giving the other parent a win?

What if we looked at it as reinforcing something that was good for your child?

“Thank you for getting her to practice on time.”

“I appreciate you letting me know about the appointment.”

“He came home really excited about the weekend. It sounds like you guys had a good time.”

“You handled that situation with her really well.”

None of those statements mean:

Everything is forgiven.

Everything between us is fine now.

You are right and I am wrong.

They simply mean:

I noticed something you did that was good for our child.

And if we know that people—and their brains—respond to genuine positive reinforcement, maybe we should be a little more intentional about reinforcing the things we actually want to see MORE of.

Especially in co-parenting.

There is another benefit here too.

Kids should be able to appreciate something about one parent without feeling like they are somehow betraying the other one.

When they hear Mom acknowledge something Dad did well—or Dad acknowledge something Mom did well—we are giving them permission to love and appreciate both of their parents.

That can be a pretty powerful RESET all by itself.

🧠 Your RESET Challenge This Week

Here’s your challenge.

If you THINK the compliment…SAY the compliment.

That’s it.

Catch yourself when you notice something good about someone and would normally just keep it in your head.

Say it.

Your spouse.

Your child.

Your friend.

Your coworker.

The person who always helps but rarely gets thanked.

Someone you might normally feel a little competitive with.

And yes…maybe even your coparent.

Make it genuine.

Make it specific.

Don’t overthink the delivery.

Don’t expect anything back.

Just put a little more of the good stuff you are already noticing into words.

Last week our RESET was about learning not to depend so heavily on other people to give us validation.

Maybe this week’s RESET is realizing that doesn’t mean we should become stingy about giving it.

And maybe I need to go back and find a few of those people I refused to compliment because I knew they were fishing for it. 😂

Turns out…I may have had a little RESET of my own.

If you want to read more on this topic.. here is a book that might help.

Please reply and share your thoughts on this one…I’d love to hear your perspective.

Until next time!

—Tina 😊